17 weeks

17 weeks.  The baby is kicking!  The movements are subtle and infrequent, but they seem clear when they happen.  Moments later, I worry that I might have imagined it and wait for it to happen again.  Very exciting, and very sweet.  A few days ago, I didn’t feel the baby at all, and I was surprised at how much I missed it.  I felt sort of lonely.  I think the baby must have been facing inwards.  Can’t wait until I feel the baby all the time.  It’s so nice to have some reassurance that s/he is alive.

We are moving in 3 days, so it has been a very busy time, both of us working full time and packing in the evenings.  The weather has been extremely hot, in the 90s, and our teeny air conditioner can only bring the indoor temperature down to the mid 80s, which helps, but not THAT much.  I’ve been a lot more tired than I’d like to admit.  The fatigue is not as constant as it was during weeks 9-12, but every few days I am just *flattened*.  I keep coming home determined to get some packing done, and despite being a very organized type of person with relatively little tendency to procrastinate, I have done a lot of napping that I really didn’t mean to do.  It’s been hard - I often feel like I don’t have a reason to feel as tired as I do, and I fight against it and feel guilty.  Brian has been constantly reassuring me that I am doing a very important, very irreplaceable job.  Not being able to “pull my weight” is a psychological hangup I have, and I’ve been reflecting recently on how it’s kind of ironic that I seem to be valuing the ability to lift heavy boxes over the ability to build a new human life.  That’s crazy, isn’t it?  I clearly have the most awesome job.  I think there’s a lot of background concern that people won’t believe me when I say I’m truly exhausted or can’t do certain tasks.

Today I woke up after 8 hours of sleep, meditated for 20 minutes, did my daily 15 minutes of intensive pilates, walked a mile to the bus, took the bus, worked calmly for 5.5 hours, took the bus, walked 1.5 miles home, and although I was determined to sort through the closet, I was so utterly drained that I slept for an hour instead after staring at the wall trying to muster up the energy to get up.  It took all my willpower to spend 20 minutes peeling and cooking beets.  I could have fallen alseep during dinner. Then I got a burst of energy and did some laundry, and sorted and packed 3 areas.  Now I’m spent.  This is a fairly good representation of my energy level.  It really comes and goes, and no amount of napping or quality sleep at night seems to prevent me from being totally exhausted during the afternoons.

Can’t wait for moving to be over.  Then we’ll be settled in our new place, I’ll have a settled, calm space to live in again, and of course I won’t have to come home every night and pack.  And we can start getting ready for the baby.  We haven’t bought even one single thing, and acquiring anything for the baby seems like a big step to me. 

14 weeks, 3 days

Weight gain?: 5.5 pounds.

Maternity clothes: None of my pants button, but I can wear all of them with the BellaBand.  I have one pair of maternity pants, black dress pants, because the BellaBand doesn’t look professional enough for me to wear to concerts or when I give talks.

Sleep: Pretty good.  During the end of the first trimester I had to get up every single night to pee, but it hasn’t been so bad lately.  Can’t complain.

Embarrassing pregnant moment: I gave an academic talk at a small conference yesterday, and after my talk somebody else used my computer to project his own talk.  While he was setting up, he accidentally flicked to my desktop, which is an ultrasound image of the baby.  I was terribly embarrassed, but I don’t think anybody actually noticed.  The head of my department was shocked when I told her I was pregnant 6 hours later.  Maybe this is because, as some comedian observed, ultrasounds tend to look like weather systems, not babies, unless you know what you are looking for.

Any baby purchases this week?: We haven’t bought a single thing.

Any movement yet?: No - I’m really, really, really looking forward to it though.  Maybe if I’m really lucky I’ll feel some flutters in the next 2 weeks.  I admit that every time I lie down I try to feel something.

Food cravings: Again, these aren’t true cravings, but I’ve been eating a lot of berries, melon, cherries, grapes, rye crackers, sweet potato and buttered spinach.  I’d eat some form of potato (mashed, baked, fried… with sour cream) constantly if I let myself, which I don’t.

Food Aversions: Still not liking eggs.  Hard cheeses have become mysteriously unappealing, though not disgusting.

How are you feeling?: Still worried about the baby, since we haven’t had any confirmation that the little spark is still alive in over 2 weeks.  So many people know now that it would be hellish to announce a loss, let alone experience one.  I do slowly feel more confident as time goes on and the baby makes it to each checkpoint.  In the grand scheme of things I feel good - well supported, healthy, my work is going well - I’m very fortunate.

What are you looking forwards to?: Hearing the heartbeat on Monday and feeling the baby move!  Also, in about a week the baby will be able to hear my voice - it’s so exciting to know that he or she will be learning to recognize me, and the music we play, Brian’s voice…  I feel like I will finally have something to give other than a nice snug uterine home.

Are you ready for baby?: I don’t know, I mean of course not.  How could you possibly be?

Here’s what we have:  a fairly extensive (but still unfinished, and *certainly* untested) plan for equally shared parenting, and communication about parenting.  A decent idea of the support we’ll have in the first few weeks, and how we’ll try to handle the return to work after the first few months.  A pretty stable chore/housework completion system.  A very complete list of the items we’ll need to acquire.  Newborn care guides and various books about parenting.  A good exercise plan.  A great midwife.  A list of super-fast-and-easy healthy recipes, growing as we think of new ones.  A very solid budget.  A great available daycare option.

Here’s what we don’t have:  any baby gear whatsoever.  Experience.  

Yikes.

(Are we ready to be good parents?  God I hope so.)

What is your favorite thing about being pregnant?:  Well, for all the complaining I do about the commercialism surrounding pregnancy and infancy, the perils of being a mother in science, and so on, you might think that I’m not actually stopping to enjoy this at all.  But it’s not true.  I’m just quiet about it and it’s hard to talk about.  I actually feel kind of… special.  

When I was a little girl I had a story book that illustrated the story of Jesus’ birth.  It starred Mary’s donkey, who, as he walked through the night carrying pregnant Mary, dreamed that he was carrying a city, a rose and a fountain… all these beautiful things that turned out to be historical metaphorical representations of Mary, and what she was able to give to the world.  The humble donkey brings Mary to a stable where the baby is born, and Mary and Joseph thank the donkey for carrying such an important thing.  

It was always one of my two favorite Christmas books (the other being Apple Tree Christmas, a charming story), partly because of the sweet humble donkey, and partly because the book never mentions the names Mary, Joseph or Jesus (just the lady, the man and the baby).  It was the book that taught me how Mary is historically represented in art.  (As I wrote that paragraph, I looked the book up, and found some sweet comments by the author here.)

I’m beating about the bush.  What I mean to say is that I aspire to be like the humble donkey.  This is somewhat counterintuitive, since Mary was clearly the pregnant one… but it’s the humble donkey’s dream that’s beautiful, as he carries a heavy load all night long, never complaining, dreaming of the mysterious rose he carried.  (And I’m not trying to produce a religious leader!)  Nobody knows who I am carrying with me, and it is a great mystery.  Sometimes the road seems long, unrolling slowly towards December, but a special kind of privileged dedication is called upon to care for, and to wait for, somebody completely unknown.

How far along: 14 weeks, 3 days.

Baby in veggie/fruit terms: Bell pepper.  Still not counting the legs.