Waiting

All the baby supplies are ready, the freezer and pantry are stocked, the house is clean, the bag is packed... now we wait.

This is a strange time.

This weekend, there's nothing left to do, other than keep the house clean, which takes little effort.  It's gotten very cold in the last few days, with howling winds and temperature far below freezing.  It seems like it's night most of the time (which it is, really).  It's very quiet here except for the wind and the birds scrabbling at the feeder.  The clock ticking on the bookshelf seems loud.  The apartment seems a bit chilly even though it's very well insulated and the heat is hardly needed - the cats want to cuddle all day long.  Depending on how you look at it, it's either extremely peaceful or unbearably tense.

For the most part I've enjoyed the last week or so.  Between bouts of working feverishly on my paper, I've taken long walks along the river, and stopped in at two cafes for hot drinks, admired the bright winter sun and fallen leaves, and so on.  I've taken hot baths and leisurely swims.  I've napped.  Brian and I have had some lovely strolls together, and we've enjoyed being able to walk out the door and head to a cafe or run an errand with no planning whatsoever.  We've baked cookies and had long conversations and lazed around in bed.

It's a challenge for me mentally, though.  I have contractions all the time, and they've slowly become stronger over the last few weeks, although they still don't really hurt and are definitely not labor.  They are, however, uncomfortable enough that they are difficult to ignore, which means I find myself in a constant state of alert confusion.  And while I'm generally fairly comfortable, I've had a few days over the last few weeks that were pretty miserable - hip pain or total sleep deprivation or both.  Nighttime can be particularly challenging.  While Brian snoozes away, I am often kept up by contractions, non-specific discomforts, or constant vivid dreams.  "Tossing and turning" isn't actually so easy at 9 months pregnant - it's more of a coordinated activity than a spontaneous one - and it can be hard to sleep.

So, I'm doing my best to be patient.  It's not so bad.  I've been so lucky to have so few discomforts, and I know it.  I'm not entirely comfortable, but the hardest part for me is waiting to find out how I'll feel once the baby arrives.  When we made the decision to become parents, of course we knew we were stepping into the unknown.  But like every big life decision, we did our best to reflect on our qualities, abilities and circumstances in order to decide if it would be a good choice - and we decided that our best guess was that we would love being parents.  My best guess is that I'll find it a privilege and a joy - and the really crucial thing is, I think my child deserves a mother who finds parenting a privilege and a joy.  So as I wait, for the baby to arrive and to discover who I am as a mother, I am hoping that I knew myself well enough to make a good decision, because it will affect this little person for an entire lifetime.

In week 36 of pregnancy...

1. Scrubbed kitchen top to bottom
2. Cleaned inside of toaster, silverware holder, potato drawer, knife block, dish drainer, rice cooker, and anything else that looked even a little dingy
3.  Made sure that all closets (and the basement storage area, and the garage) were organized, clutter-free and clean
4.  Made sure that every baby supply was washed, folded and neatly put away (in the proper kit if necessary, otherwise in the closet) and that the bassinet is ready for a baby!
5.  Finished stockpiling basic staple foods and added muffins, cookies and other goodies
6.  Programmed all relevant phone numbers (pediatrician, midwife) into phone
7.  Set up GrubHub with credit card information to make ordering food easy
8.  Wrote down details for how to get groceries delivered
9.  Put finishing touches on guide for helpers
10.  Wrote "birth plan" note for hospital staff and baked them cookies, and packed away in hospital bag
11.  Washed and folded every single piece of laundry in the house
12.  Reorganized dresser
13.  Removed all questionable items from refrigerator
14.  Finished writing all thank you notes
15.  Washed down floor and table on porch
16.  Made huge list of all data, writing and figures for collaborators and left them in open-access repositories; generally wrapped up dozens of loose ends at work
17.  Installed infant insert in car seat and attempted to practice buckling and unbuckling!
18.  Mopped floors, scrubbed grout in bathroom, scrubbed the cats' food tray, dusted windowsills, and many more small cleaning tasks
19.  Sewed a rice pack for use during labor
20.  Sewed tie-backs on all curtains
21.  Arranged for 2 different cat-carers to be on call
21.  Finished writing reminders for my post-partum self about exactly who needs to be emailed (all emails pre-written with addresses pre-selected) and who needs to be called, and exactly which people need to be informed based on when the birth occurs

That's not even half of it.

I'm thinking there's something to this whole "nesting" thing...

Now, if only we can maintain the apartment in this perfect sparkling state of cleanliness until the baby arrives!

Getting ready

You'll be born in just a few weeks!  We're trying to make everything ready for your arrival.

 Here's our couch.  Maybe one day my laptop will look funny and old-fashioned to you!  On the table is a kit of nursing supplies - books, snacks, and other helpful things.  To the right of the couch you can just see a nursing pillow.

 Here is our little keyboard.  Soon we'll be playing music for you.

 Here's where Harriet and Sagan eat.

 Here's your bouncy seat.  On the bookshelf are all of your books and our books about parenting and child development.  We're trying so hard to do a good job!

 It's November, so we have both light jackets and parkas ready.  The backpack in the middle is actually your diaper bag, all packed.

 The bathroom now has a big trash can and a wet bag for all those diapers...

 We have some big boxes because supplies for you have just arrived in the mail.  Boxes make Harriet and Sagan pretty frisky...

 Papa is reading a book about how to help me in labor, having some cheese for a snack, and doing math problems for fun!

 I have been eating lots of healthy fruits and vegetables for the last 7 months!  You were grown on Farmer Steve's organic CSA vegetables.

 Here is the kitchen.

 We have a little bathtub just for you, hanging in the bathroom.

 These are all the vitamins I've been taking for almost a year!  I also need to drink lots and lots of water to keep both of us hydrated, and there's some special lotion for my belly.  You can also see the Tranquil Turtle - who knows, maybe you'll remember it, or maybe you'll hate it and we'll get rid of it when you're 2 weeks old!  (It plays ocean sounds and projects soothing lights on the ceiling.)

 Here are your special towels.  Much more colorful than our towels!

 Here is your bed, right next to ours.  Your sheets haven't arrived in the mail yet, though.  There are lots of pillows where I sleep because it's hard to get comfy with such a big belly!

 Here are all the cloth diapers, all washed and ready.

 Here is the mobile diaper kit!

 Our hospital bag is almost all packed and ready to go... You can see the quilt I sewed for you, and some celebratory apple cider, and some gatorade for me to drink during labor!

 Here is the painting Grandma Susie made for you - she calls you the Little Chickadee! It was signed by all the people at a party we had for you.

 Here's your closet.  There are stacks of freshly washed blankets, burp cloths, quilts and clothes.  We have some medical supplies for you, extra diapers and wipes, and toys, too.

 Here are our violins, just waiting for some duets.

 And Papa's guitar.

 We want to spend the first few weeks of your life focusing on YOU.  So we've stockpiled some groceries so we don't have to go shopping or think about chores too often.

We've also stockpiled some supplies for us and our guests like toothpaste and hand sanitizer and tissues.  You never know!

 Here we are, next to the giant stack of boxed supplies that arrived a few days ago.  Now everything is clean and put away.

Finally, here is your car seat, just waiting for you!