Working

I've been struggling to come up with what I want to say about going back to work, and I haven't had much success.

I've been back for 2 weeks now.  Silas has been at home with Grandma Marsha for those two weeks, and has receive the best of care and responded with sunny moods and sweet smiles, most of the time.  I can often come home early and continue to work in the back room, while being available for nursing, if I only have computer tasks for part of the day.  Next week Grandma Susie is on duty.  It's about as idea an arrangement as one could possibly have - Silas has one-on-one care from family, more people are here to be involved in his daily care and appreciate his development, which can only be good for him, I have a very flexible schedule, I don't have to send him to daycare with an enormous pack of items every day, and so on.  Pretty much ideal.  Especially when I can do work at home.  Silas is doing beautifully.

Being back at work has been nice.  I can use the bathroom and eat whenever I want, and I'm not desperately needed while I'm there.  Of course I have responsibilities, but I'm not playing life support, and that's a nice break.  It's good to think about my experiments and make progress towards my thesis.  My labmates were pleased to see me. Again, it's been quite positive.

And still, it's hard.  For the first few days I could barely concentrate at all, I was so obsessed with wondering how Silas was doing.  I do pine away a bit.  I miss him.  I worry that he will forget me (which isn't likely, given that I am within a few feet of him for at LEAST 18 hours of the day).  I want him to be receiving cuddles and kisses from his mama all day long, so he feels as adored as possible, and when I'm not there to shower him with affection I do feel sad.

That said, this week was easier than last week.  And it's nice to have some more freedom and flexibility in life.  Childcare is a huge help.  And while I miss Silas when I'm away, I think he's too little to really miss me.  I try to enjoy every minute I have with him in the mornings and afternoons.  Sometimes I'm tired enough that it's hard to muster up much appreciation, and that's very uncomfortable, but when I'm moderately well rested I love my time with him.

And since I'm not there 24/7 any more, I let him sleep in my arms if he falls asleep there, and I stay motionless, maybe read a bit, and look at his cute little sleeping face and try to memorize the feeling.